Have you ever been disgusted at how someone was treating other people in a conversation, or during a meeting? You can’t believe what they’re saying, the tone they’re using, and who they’re targeting. Who is this person? Don’t they know how disrespectful they sound? Do they even care?? Photo by Frida Bredesen on Unsplash Earlier this year I was on a call where a public official was insinuating blame and belittling community members. The official had no idea how much these community members contributed to the agency through countless volunteer hours, and how undeserving they were of reproach. By that time in my career, I had seen plenty of community engagement trainwrecks, but that day I still managed to be shocked at the disastrous behavior I was witnessing. My colleagues and I rescued the meeting and relationships as best we could, then I was on a mission to let that official know what was on my mind. I was in the height of my emotions and only concerned with letting him k
Contrary to what I thought I’d be feeling, I’m quite excited to be alive today. It’s my birthday and I’m officially in my late thirties. For months (years?) I’ve been feeling the weight of getting older and not being able to recover what I had in my childhood and 20s: bright skin, all my hair (I’m developing a bald spot 😨), less cellulite, more energy, more optimism. Fortunately after some beautifully uplifting words from my sweetie last night, I woke up feeling ready to start the rest of my life. What a gift he is! I needed those words to get me passed something I’ve been dreading for a while.
Today marks the beginning of my Wheel of Fortune year. Wheel of Fortune is my tarot life card according to Lehman & Clurman, and ever since I learned that, I’ve feared the card and its energy. I learned about this tarot deck in 2013 - for me, a time of turbulence, deep depression, and trying to hold on for dear life. So when I read that my LIFE card, the energy that I would be dealing with for the rest of my existence, was reminiscent of a wheel going round and round, and my life challenge was to figure out how to find stability among ceaseless spinning, I felt doomed. And though I’m lightyears from who I was in 2013, it’s still something that terrifies me. I’ve embraced the Wheel to an extent, but never head on with open arms.
Fast forward to today and what do I see tattooed on my ankle? What do I see that I’m carrying around with me for life? A wheel.
Before my brother got married last summer, my cousins and I decided to get matching tattoos (we’re kinda close 😉). The design went through many iterations, and I’m eternally grateful we decided on this one. The guidance suggested by the Wheel of Fortune card is to stay centered to a stable hub. Well there’s a whole life’s work right there! I don’t think anyone who truly knows me would characterize me as “centered”, “stable” or “focused”. I was the first kid in my elementary school to take Ritalin, and I wasn’t one of those early 90s cases that was misdiagnosed. There is agreement among my healthcare providers, conventional and alternative, that Attention Deficit Disorder is a permanent, natural part of my brain chemistry. Mix that with having four different homes in four different cultures prior to college, hardly feeling I belonged in any of them, leaving home when I was 13, and never living close to family since. Finding stability for myself is a lifelong journey. And now my brothers and sister offer me stability every day through a simple symbol on my skin.
‘ohana.
family.
My sweetie, my brothers and sister, my parents, our larger families, our friends. They’ve always been my stable hub. Their love and support has kept me going all these years, and now my work is to create stability within myself, so I don’t feel the need to go to them whenever the going gets tough. And as an extremely sensitive person, it can get tough pretty easily for me.
A distinct bit of prolonged toughness has revolved around my confusion of where my allegiances lie. Having a personality like mine: INFJ, Empath, Amiable/Analytical, Ravenclaw, Restorative; an identity like mine: Haole (White), Native Hawaiian, Native American, hapa (mixed), mainlander, privileged; and a vocation like mine: civic engagement, training, organizational and leadership development; I can easily become conflicted on whether I should be loyal to my family or the larger community? Or my fellow Hawaiian people? Or NYC neighborhoods and community organizations? Or the planet? Or my own neighborhood? Or? Or? Or??
Thankfully, stable hub to the rescue again! Last week I asked a dear friend of mine to help me unfork my brain (it’s her specialty). Through her masterful coaching and magic words, I was able to articulate my seven top values:
Loving relationship
Family
Comfort
Peace
Quiet
Nature
Kindness and courtesy to one another
At any other time in my life I would have looked at that list and thought that I was a selfish person and found some way to sabotage the progress I was too scared to recognize I was making. But now I can and do feel proud of this list. It is who I am right now. It is what I need to find stability and come alive. For myself, for my family, and for the world. That’s the best birthday present I could ask for.
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